It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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