Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
