i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
