He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
