You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
