i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
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Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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