I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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