i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize