Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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