I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize