I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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