That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
