I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
