Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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