3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
