im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
