he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
