I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
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she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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