If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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