When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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