i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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