I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
