32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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