i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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