I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
