I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
