Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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