ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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