Betty ford says i'm here all night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
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Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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