I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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