you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
