There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
