Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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