I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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