Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
