can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
