i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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