Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
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I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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