he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
