Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do herpes really smell.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
