that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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