it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
