i wish my penis had a tongue
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
