I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
A bitchslap is in order.
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