So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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