Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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