everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
