Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
