i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
