dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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