guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
