It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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