We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
