i just sent this text using only my big toe
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
